The author is named Jason. He will now assume the first person. Hello there new reader. There is little that you don’t already know about me. For instance, my name. You know that it is Jason. You know that this is Ontological Damnation (and if you don’t, educate yourself). You know that without even knowing me. It’s incredible intuition. I applaud you.
The thing is, reader, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know anything at all really. I suffer from several afflictions (for the record, I don’t know if I do or not). These include inappropriate comma usage, an over-abundance of absurdity, a tendency to exclaim Dubai when least opportune, conflation of reality and fantasy, infinite etc. Rest assured though, dear reader, these afflictions shall not affect my writing in the slightest. Rather, I have constructed a computer program to produce the majority of what you find on my humble blog eliminating the possibility of nonsense.
But actually, that was all a lie. You don’t know anything about me. For instance, you don’t know that I’m a native Ohioist. You don’t know that I was born on January 22. You don’t know that my middle name is Scott. These are facts. To say otherwise would be an untruth. Being that you don’t know these facts, it’s very likely that whatever you’d guess would be wrong and thus an untruth. Why do you lie?
It’s okay though, excitable reader, I forgive you. But promise me that in the future, you’ll abstain from spreading unfounded facts. I have emails (jason at panoptican dot org) and telephones (panoptican on skype) and postal addresses (the moon) and pagers (the sun) and satellite dishes (the mars) and messenger birds (Fabrico) and bottles that float in rivers and oceans (40 oz. Pabst Blue Ribbon) and all sorts of communication devices. If you’d like to ascertain some facts, contact me via one of those methods or preferably, all at the same time.