Human Apes

Occasionally, the rhinoceros meets the elephant in the wild. The rhino says, “How are you elephant?” The elephant replies, “I am good rhinoceros.” It is a little known fact that the rhino and the elephant are on rather friendly terms (this despite evidence to the contrary… the truth is, elephants and rhinoceri don’t want you to know). Indeed, the animal collective that will one day aide our fearless antagonist in overthrowing the government is lead jointly by a rhinoceros and an elephant. They make a swell team. The elephant is in charge of collections. She (for the elephant is a she) goes door-to-door asking, “Keys please?” It’s because it rhymes. You’re probably thinking, “But that’s not a question!” That’s because you aren’t a good thinker. In exchange for keys, animal collective volunteers and supporters receive a glare from the elephant collections agent (which sounds like animal collective, incidentally). At least it seems a glare, though perhaps you might call it “looking off at something in the distance disinterestedly.” She’s especially good at it, whatever the case. The rhinoceros is in charge of removing extraneous U’s from the word rhinoceros (for instance, rhinocerous or rhinouceros). He (for the rhinoceros is a he) is also a strong advocate for commas and in some instances, is relied upon for expert advice concerning television books.

For the sake of this narrative your author has given these animals names at random. The thing is animals don’t normally adopt names. That is why elephant and rhinoceros have thus been referred to as the elephant (she) and the rhino (he). But no more, our country depends on a well-defined subject. The subject is often the other is why. By other, those marginalized are referred. If we are to have a substantial and worthwhile discourse, it is important to keep the other in mind at all times. It would be prudent to subject the other (which is the subject, remember) to vigorous testing. Elease is the rhino and Rhiannon is the elephant. Marginalization is deferred another day!

Elease and Rhiannon met several years ago at Big Top Hat That Abraham Lincoln Probably Would Have Worn If He Were Still President Cafe. Elease had a purple soda. Rhiannon a quadruple espresso. They sat at opposite ends of the cafe for nearly three hours, Elease reading and yo-yoing, Rhiannon photographing cups and spelling words that contain thirteen letters. Having together witnessed the ebb and flow of the cafe for the past three hours, they simultaneously saw it fit to discuss the clientèle. Rhiannon went to Elease.

“Hello there, I noticed you’ve been sitting here.”
“Hello here, I notice that you’ve been sitting there.
“Why yes, I have.”
“Didja see that man 87 minutes ago?”
“You mean the one on stilts.”
“No, the man that came in with him. The one who was so small that he couldn’t be seen or stung by a bee.”
“I didn’t. But then, my eyes are no good.”

They discussed various visitors never venturing to far from the topic. Later, the night sky knocked on the door to which a barista answered, “Yes?” The night sky replied in fits and turns. No one was sure what was said but everyone assumed it was time to close. Besides, it had been over an hour since Elease and Rhiannon had last seen a visitor. They continued to sit together despite this sudden dearth of conversation. But now they were forced to make a decision: to go or not to go. Actually, that’s not the decision they had to make. They had to go. The real decision was to speak or not to speak. Elease rather fancied Rhiannon’s company in spite of the one-dimensional conversation. Indeed, that one-dimensionality did not suggest at all to Rhiannon that Elease wasn’t the neatest rhino she had ever met. It would be several months before Rhiannon noticed that Elease’s name kinda-sorta would be a good alliterative name for an elephant. Several more before Elease would realize what great accomplishments a rhino named Rhiannon could accomplish. In between all that time there lays something more amazing.

A few weeks ago, Rhiannon and Elease sat on a rock by the Mississippi River. They had decided to go on a picnic. Rocks being the destination, it was only by chance that they found themselves by the river. It had no significance to our lovers. Rhiannon had taken to asking Elease about the nature of truth and fiction. Elease often replied by noting this or that about nothing and everything. Their conversations were always disjointed. But today, the sun was especially round and the clouds especially white and the birds especially flying and the trees especially able to manufacture oxygen. Today was unlike any day, which is to say, it was today and all other days are either yesterday or tomorrow. More importantly, today (or a few weeks ago rather), Rhiannon and Elease had a conversation of epic proportions. It was a conversation that followed so logically and flowed so naturally that your author(s?) endlessly doubt(s?) they could possibly transcribe it correctly.

R: Is there anything especially unique about our relationship?
E: We are intrinsic to one another.
R: Must you speak in such veiled language?
E: I don’t think I completely understand the question.
R: I just wonder what the meaning of our union is, especially. If there is a love, and it is what we wish it were, is this love?
E: There is no love, but if there were, and it existed as we might wish it doesn’t, then I daresay we are.
E: As to the meaning, it’s simple. Procreation.
R: But you are a rhino and I am an elephant.
E: You are true.
R: Does that render our relationship meaningless?
E: Oh woe is us, it does!
R: Oh dear, how foolish we are!
E: It’s okay though, I have a plan. We will sneak into the laboratory and steal the plans. Then, when they least expect it, we’ll clone clone clone!
R: Darling! Marvelous!
E: Indeed!
R: Afterward, I’ll ask you again about the meaning. This procreation thing doesn’t quite make sense to me.
E: Well, let us be coldly (bio)logical. Our genetic makeup impresses upon us the intense need to procreate. Inasmuch as that is concerned, we are each of particular use to the other because we possess the urge to copulate together.
R: Okay.
E: Further, the urge is accentuated by our unique abilities to impregnate and become impregnated. That is to say, I have good sperm and you have good hips.
R: Sure.
E: So you will grant that from a purely scientific perspective, we have extraordinary meaning to one another?
R: Umm, no.
E: Well here’s the thing Rhiannon, more than anything else, I want to have a family with you. My body tells me that you are uniquely qualified to be my partner in family. My body hasn’t ever told me that about other rhinos, and it certainly hasn’t told me that about other elephants. We’ve allowed human drama to play too large a central role in our lives. And we’re animals! Piss away the bullshit flavored veneer! We’re animals, loud and clear! That rhymed.
R: It was a nice rhyme too.

And with that, Rhiannon and Elease lived happily until this point in time. Ever after has yet to be determined though your author suspects it will go swimmingly. Rhiannon and Elease are still operatives of the animal collective. One day, your fearless antagonist will call on them for government overthrow or else a can opener. Either way, Rhiannon and Elease will be prepared.