Ontological Damnation

Electrelane
Axes
At the moment, my head is pounding. I’ve had this headache the last couple days actually. It’s probably just the sudden removal of caffeine from my diet. I had been relying on it as a replacement addiction for cigarettes since I quit smoking. It worked well I think. I highly recommend it to all. It’s just that quitting caffeine is tough too. And it gives you headaches. Unless it isn’t the caffeine. My other theory is that some ideas moved in recently. It was pretty crowded in there to begin with and if indeed some ideas did move in, I can’t imagine how crowded it is now being that it’s all crowded and all, I’m not able to imagine things quite like I usually can. I suppose over time, after the ideas learn how to cope with the lack of space, my imagination will return and the headache will subside. Until then, ideas suck. Also, this was my favorite release from 2005. In fact, Electrelane joined my own musical pantheon.

Jackie-O Motherfucker
Flags of the Sacred Harp
For the next eight minutes, the only thing that matters is the beans and rice. A first for me, using those hard beans and that hard rice. It’s all so hard. I blended in the spices at about the time I figured the rice and beans to be tender. I recommend checking to make sure the beans and rice are indeed tender before adding spices though because as it turns out, I figured wrong and now the spices are just floating around and the beans and rice are still hard and I’m hungry so that sucks. The good thing about worrying about things in eight minute blocks is that you can get in an entire Jackie-O Motherfucker song. It makes a great soundtrack to fretting about beans and rice.

Mazarin
We’re Already There
I remember the first time I watched a basketball game on Christmas day. It was today actually. A historic day. At first, with hard beans and hard rice boiling in the background and music tunes playing in the foreground, I didn’t pay much attention. The music was sweet, sweet Mazarin and my mind was occupied by pirates. They moved in last night. Speaking of last night, I had two separate dreams about a pirate actually. The pirate was a young Japanese girl. She was not a very good pirate though because she didn’t dock her ship on other ships. She just kept ramming. That’s no way to be a pirate little girl.

Animal Collective
Feels
I’m often reminded of the time I disappeared into my computer. I had just copped a listen of Feels, it was very nice and I bobbed my head franticly. It took me until that eleventh month actually. The main reason is that my memory is not very good. I remember thinking, “Oh, Animal Collective album. Neat. I should get it.” I think later on in that day, I did some cartwheels and other stuff too. I probably forgot that part. After a while though, I remembered the Animal Collective part. It was worth it.

The Go-Betweens
Oceans Apart
A funny thing about old people is when you find out that they were really cool when they were not so old too. This guy, Todd, he’s old and he’s my friend. He tells me all sorts of fanciful things about the universe and on occasion, he will help me understand why everything is so fucked up. One day though, he told me about the time he was abducted by aliens. It was when he wasn’t old. The doctor made him go to meetings where other people told stories about their alien abductions. He didn’t believe them though. Nor did Dan Bern. When he told me about the alien abduction, I thought, “Gee, he was cool when he was younger too.” After the story, he asked if I wanted to go play a round of frisbee golf. Double motherfucking bonus.

Boom Bip
Blye Eyed in the Red Room
One of these days, I’m going to go to one of those crazy music festivals where there are thousands of people standing around. The main reason I want to go, besides to see a bunch of bands live, is so I can show off my hobo skills. Christmas day is usually the only day I show off such skills. But after staggering around today, I know I must take this to a larger stage. The thing is, I’m an amazing hobo. Such a performance would fit right in with a gigantic music festival. I know it, because I heard it. Either that or I could be a hobo on The Current. I’m not sure how that would work yet though. When I do figure it out, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Three 6 Mafia
Most Known Unknown
It’s actually pretty daunting, doing this. Also, Three 6. At first, I was all like, “Dude, this stuff is so heavy and eh and meh and whatever and yeah.” But that’s because I’m a very (not) strong man. This one time, I tried to lift one thousand pounds of metal. It didn’t work out. I did learn a valuable lesson though: don’t try to lift one thousand pounds of metal if you weigh less than one thousand pounds. So let’s say you’re 1,003 pounds. If that’s the case, I’d say, go for it. Lift that one thousand pounds of metal. Show off your thousand poundedness. Seriously, if you are over a thousand pounds, you’ve more than earned the right to lift things that weigh one thousand pounds, especially if it is metal. I also figured out that these rules don’t apply to Three 6 Mafia despite the thousand poundedness of their tunes. It’s great for those of us who are very (not) strong men.

M83
Before the Dawn Heals Us
Holy crap, did you see that flash of light? It was bright, I don’t know how you missed it. Streaking across the sky, I wonder if it was an unidentified flying object. Perhaps it was something even more mysterious. Mysterious things that are more so than that are the best. I can’t believe you missed it. I can actually still see it when I close my eyes. Oh dang, that’s because I’m going blind. Going blind is no fun.

Quasimoto
The Further Adventures of Lord Quas
One of my favorite things about the center of the court is when a bunch of little kids and a bunch of strippers get together and dance in no pre-coordinated fashion. Sometimes, when I’m writing things with a pen on a piece of paper or the sidewalk, I think of those strippers and those little kids and then, I push the pen to the paper or the sidewalk and move my hand in no pre-coordinated fashion. The results are fascinating and besides that, it really relieves the stress of having to think. I don’t like to think all the time you know.

Wilderness
Wilderness
It’s funny when two things at the same time come to your attention. Sometimes, even though they came to your attention at the same time, you say, “What the fuck is this? These two things have nothing in common.” Other times you say, “What the fuck is this? These two things are exactly the same.” And sometimes, you don’t say either of those things. In those cases, you kinda suck. But in the second case I described, it’s especially funny. So Wilderness, you are forever linked to The Go-Betweens. And not the opposite and not the negative and not in other directions.

Engineers
Engineers
At the half-way point, I usually run out of breath and let me tell you, I’m running out of breath. Hell I was running out of breath before that too. And the breath is a fickle thing that you run out of when you exert yourself rapidly in the early stages of an event. Even if the event is uneventful, you’ll run out of breath quickly. So be careful in the future, will ya. Anyway, this sort of thing really is sort of silly. So maybe waste your breath on something else.

Broadcast
Tender Buttons
The bear and I had been plotting the overtaking of the Eiffel Tower for many years when all of the sudden, a car passed by and spooked the bear. He climbed up a tree and hung out for a while. I called up to the bear a couple times reminding the bear of our glorious plans to take over the Eiffel Tower. The bear wouldn’t have it though. That car was fucking scary. I can’t say I blame him really because that bear was fucking scary. One of the scariest things I had ever seen. If I was able to climb up trees, no doubt, I would have quicker than the bear did. Oh well, in our research, we actually discovered that the Eiffel Tower isn’t really a nuclear missile.

Why?
Elephant Eyelash
Reader, we have reached a monumental stage in this so-called list of music that the Author enjoys. This stage is the Q&A stage. The Author asks the Reader a question and Reader, you answer it. That’s how these things work. The Author doesn’t type out the questions though, instead, the Author speaks them into the air. Question one. Fascinating answer reader. Question two. Reader, you are fucked up. Question three. Wow Reader, if I could, I would. Question four. Reader, I think so too. Question five. I sincerely hope so.

Brian Eno
Another Day on Earth
I was once asked by a person why I write all this stuff out since it doesn’t make any sense. They also wanted to know if it is supposed to make sense. Perhaps there is a reason I write this stuff. Perhaps the CD album covers and the words written actually do have some correlation. To answer those questions, I’ll refer to Article 9 of the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty. It’s a really nice article. If you removed that section from the treaty, you could immediately enact the provisions of the CTBT in all countries that have signed and ratified the treaty. But no, we gotta keep that article in there because the United States is a gigantic testicle. I hope that clears things up for you.

Bell Orchestre
Recording a Tape the Colour of the Light
One of these days, you’re going to realize that it’s too late to do whatever it is you’re doing right now. Probably when you finish what you’re doing. Then tomorrow will come and you’ll think, “Dang, I’m not doing what I was doing because the time has passed and it’s no longer now.” That happens to me all the freaking time. It’s crazy too because then I remember that I had actually stopped what it was that I was doing and now is too late to be doing and I think “Dang, if only I hadn’t stopped doing what I was doing. It would still be now.”

Missy Elliott
The Cookbook
Banshee people exist. Believe. Missy Elliott is a banshee person. If you don’t believe me, too bad. She told me so the other night. And after that I was like, “Missy, you’re crazy.” And she said, “I know.” And I said, “Case closed.” And she said, “I know.” And I said, “That’s incredible, I always thought you were just a banshee genius.” And she said, “I know.” And I said, “How did you know?” And she said, “I know.” That’s when I realized that she really was a banshee person.

Blood on the Wall
Awesomer
You know things are starting to really come together when you look over whatever it is that you have done and notice that it’s almost all done. Yeah, great times. Especially when you are sitting around on Christmas day with nothing to do and you realize that no one loves you. Those are especially great times. I’m just kidding though. Because you love me. Otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this particular paragraph. It’s almost at the bottom but not close enough that someone skimming over it would actually stop to read it. Finally, I have proof.

M.I.A.
Arular
Lamar Odom makes some bad passes sometimes. I’m watching the dude and I just gotta wonder, what’s stopping him from destroying all living things. KG is destroying all living things, so why not Lamar. You could probably say the dude is even more KG than KG though that is overstating it a bit. His body is more KG than KG, that’s for sure. So Lamar, what’s up? I remember when I was like Lamar and KG. I was more Lamar and KG than Lamar and KG. Then, I listened to M.I.A. It changed everything for me. I started moving around a little and next thing I knew, I was no longer anything like Lamar and KG. It was a blessing in disguise of course.

Minus Story
No Rest for Ghosts
It’s a slippery slope. All things are a slippery slope. Next thing you know, some guy is going to get elected to president. That’s insane. And then later on down the slope, we’ll find out that there are laws and provisions that regulate such things. I’m telling you, it’ll be chaos. That’s why we tend to stay away from slippery slopes and people who claim to be slippery slope guy and aren’t named Adam Carolla.

Old Time Relijun
2012
Come on dude, are you going to take that. I can hardly believe you did. I know that when I was considering jumping from a building with nothing but a banana for a parachute, I was super-excited. It’s note very day that you get the opportunity to jump from buildings with bananas for parachutes. It’s an unbelievable thrill, trust me on that one. I was dead for a while as a result that’s how unbelievable it is. After some witch resurrected me and I ate the insides of my out, I was never the same. The main thing though is that you can’t pass up stuff like this. You’ll regret it. I promise.

Ringo Starr
Choose Love
The ultimate album of 2005 was actually not even close to the ultimate album of 2005. I haven’t even heard it yet for fear that my head would explode. Either it’s the most truly transcendental album ever or it’s terrible beyond anything I’ve ever heard. The thing is, I enjoy my head and would rather it not explode. Besides, love’s a lie.